if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
