I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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