Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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