he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
