that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
