Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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