I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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