I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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