i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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