when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
