The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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