I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
