well I can't set my house on fire every night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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