Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
