you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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