I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
