my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
