possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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