Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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