i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
