Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
