im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
