just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize