i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
