At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize