Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
