What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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