I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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