I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
