six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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