I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
