Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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