I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
