i used baking grease as lip gloss
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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