I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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