i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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