i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
