NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
