Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
