got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
