Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
