That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
