I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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