he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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