If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
