My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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