I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
