Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
