I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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