I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
