It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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