I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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