i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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