ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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