He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
