Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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