I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
