i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This baby is an asshole
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
