If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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